This should be easy...I'm trying to be a good person!

I signed up for an orientation session, set for this past Tuesday, for the volunteer group NYCares. The email that was sent out the day before told me the session would be held at the 'New York Public Library, 45th Street and 5th Ave., from 12-1pm.' Those of you who know me know my compulsion for being on time, so it won't surprise you that I asked my boss if my lunch break could be extended a few minutes to allow for travel time. Even so, in the words of Tucker Max, hilarity did not ensue:

11:40 - Leave work, get on subway

11:50 - Arrive at the corner of 42nd and 5th, perfectly on time

11:55 - Walk into the main public library building, walk to the information desk, ask where the orientation session is to be held. Older lady behind the desk is flummoxed - she neither knows where the meeting is to be held, nor has she ever heard of NYCares. She suggests I talk to security.

11:57 - I ask the security guard if he knows where the meeting is supposed to be held, and he suggests I ask the lady behind the information desk. I say 'She told me to ask you.' He says 'Oh,' scratches his head, and says 'Walk that way' and points towards an open passageway.

11:59 - I walk towards and through the passageway. There are a few rooms that look like conference rooms, but the doors are locked and the lights are off. I'm standing there, perplexed, when someone with an ID card walks by and asks if I need help. I tell him what I'm looking for, and he says 'No, there's no NYCares meeting here. Why don't you try across the street?'

12:00 - I leave the NY Public Library at 42nd and 5th and walk towards the branch across the street, at 40th and 5th.

12:04 - I ask the lady behind the information desk where the NYCares orientation session is; she says 'Oh, it's up on the sixth floor. Take the elevators.'

12:06 - I'm on the elevator, but the elevator doesn't go up to the sixth floor.

12:08 - I get off on the fifth floor and try to take the stairs. The stairs to the 6th floor are locked. I ask a security guard what to do, he says 'go downstairs and ask someone.'

12:10 - I take the elevator back down to the first floor and ask a security guard what the problem is. She says 'You can't go to the 6th floor. It doesn't open until 6pm.' I say 'but I have a meeting that's happening right now.' She says 'Well the 6th floor doesn't open until 6pm.' I say 'can you ask someone?' So she calls on her radio for a supervisor. Time passes....no one answers. I say 'well is there any possible way to get to the 6th floor? I have a meeting that's happening right now." The security guard says 'The 6th floor doesn't open until 6pm.

12:15 - I go back to the information desk. The lady tells me 'oh, well you have to go through the administrative offices and take the staff elevator to the 6th floor.' I nearly cry.

12:20 - Finally, I am on the staff elevator. I have fantasies in my head of arriving at the orientation session, and being told 'Congratulations, Ian, you have passed the first test.'

12:22 - I arrive at the orientation session. There are no congratulations.

12:30 - Having filled out a double sided piece of paper, the "orientation session" ends and I'm free to go.

12:31 - Barely resisting the temptation to fling myself through the window and plunge to an untimely, gruesome death, I walk towards the staff elevator. Adding to my troubles, I accidentally get off the elevator too soon, somehow ending up in a maintenance corridor.

12:35 - Before heading back to work, I decided to relax and read a book in Bryant Square at 42nd and 6th for a few minutes. I realize that I'm very envious of those close enough to the park to sunbathe during their lunchbreaks. I lounge leisurely for a few minutes, but before I make it to the safety of the subway I am subjected to yet one more aggravation. Sitting in the middle of the park's lawn is a 30ish male professional, shirt off, flexing his huge muscles as he basks in the sun's glow. I really want to give him an open-handed slap right on the stomach, but am afraid he might then proceed to crush my skull between his pectoral muscles. I walk harmlessly by.

1:10 - I arrive back at work. I am barely alive, but feel better about myself for having passed through the volunteer gauntlet.